Moving to new format

Hi guys,

I'm making a few changes to my 'social media' and marketing strategies that I wanted to tell you about.  I've been redeveloping my website and refining my service offering.  The positive psych and happiness stuff is still there but it's now interwoven with my work on improving employee engagement.

I've got two main communications strategies that I'll be using and I'd like to invite you to either of them.

Firstly, if you like the informal but more frequent approach to keeping in touch, my Facebook Business Page is a good starting point.  You can view the page by clicking the image below.  If you like the page, click 'Like' to stay in touch.

Click to view Sean's Facebook Business Page.

I'll still be blogging about all sorts of things related to employee engagement.  You can subscribe to that as a newsletter but not just yet, not until the site is finalised.  It should be in the next couple of days.

I'll put a link to the Blog's on Facebook too, so either way you won't miss out on a Blog style update from me.

Thanks for your support so far guys.  I'd love it if you continued to support me and my endeavours to make work a more rewarding, enjoyable and meaningful activity for Australian Workers.

Till next time...

Be Happy.

Narcisist?

Hi.

I've been struggling with something all my life.  I had a wonderful childhood.  Truly loving and supportive parents who were great role models.  Lot's of experiences and opportunities and the freedom to explore who I was in order to become who I was 'meant' destined to be.

But....

I heard or read the other day a throw away comment that struck a chord and reminded me of something that's been getting in my way.  I'll share that in a tic.

As you may know I struggle to reconcile my potential with my actual.  I live a pretty good life and am reasonably successful at whatever I attempt to do.  That was my rationale voice speaking there.  I still however strive for better.  Leaner.  Fitter.  Faster.  More successful.  Healthier.  More productive.  More responsible.  More socially aware.  etc etc.  When I'm not doing things that contribute to those 'mores'  I often feel bad about myself and start 'shoulding' myself.  I should do more.  I should be more.  I should be healthier, cleaner, more productive or whatever.  This means I don't take pleasure from the things I DO do and rather focus on the things I DON'T do.  Not good.

Here's the comment.

"more people are fucked up as a result of being told they are better, great or have more potential than there are who are fucked up because they're told they are crap, shit and no good."

It got me to wondering.  Now there is probably a scale of 'fuct' up at play here (and that's not a referenced or even valid source) and I'm definitely not one to say my problems are more serious than anyone else's.  In fact, the reality of anyone's problems is purely subjective.  The rich kid worrying about his relationship with his peers is as real as the kid worrying about his next meal.  To them anyway.  You, me and many others may actually rate those worries differently.  The point is that the worry is real to the individual.  ANyway, I digress.  I think I fit that statement.  I was told many positive things which account for many wonderful things, and yet I feel fucked up.  I was thinking about the deeply held belief (or is it just an expectation external or otherwise), instilled and reinforced by devoted, loving parents, that I was wonderful, intelligent, bound for success etc that has placed a pressure on me (or I have placed it on myself, either way its there) to be exactly that.  So, when I seem to fall into (what by those grandiose expectations) seems to be a normal existence, I feel bad.    Part of me recognises that this 'angst' for betterment is what drives me forward and another part recognises that it stops me from living in the now, appreciating the moment and (as many of my friends would say, indeed have said) lightening up on myself.

Truth be told.  I'm no longer sure what to think.  Should I strive for betterment or be content with who I am?  How do I enjoy the moment if it's not where I think I should be?  How do I relax and be still when there's work to be done?  How do I turn off those friggen voices that raise these questions?

I was running a workshop today and in a vulnerability exercise several participants expressed their greatest childhood challenge (which in all cases transferred to their adult experience) was that of purpose. Meaning.  Why am I here?  Two things happened. 1) I realised I'm not alone in asking that question. 2) It exacerbated the experience for me by making my own situation 'real'.

I'm gunna post this right away as if I edit it I may chicken out of sharing it.

To give some context, I've had a few drinks and have been battling with these issues for several days now.  I need to get this off my chest.  I hope I haven't dragged you into my mire.

Till next time,

Be happy.

oh yeah  Before I go.  What's this got to do with Narcism... (have a quick read and I'll get back to you)

Campbell and Foster (2007) review the literature on narcissism. They argue that narcissists possess the following "basic ingredients":

• Positive: Narcissists think they are better than others.^[15]
• Inflated: Narcissists' views tend to be contrary to reality. In measures that compare self-report to objective measures, narcissists' self-views tend to be greatly exaggerated.^[16]
• Agentic: Narcissists’ views tend to be most exaggerated in the agentic domain, relative to the communion domain.^[15][16]
• Special: Narcissists perceive themselves to be unique and special people.^[17]
• Selfish: Research upon narcissists’ behaviour in resource dilemmas supports the case for narcissists as being selfish.^[18]
• Oriented toward success: Narcissists are oriented towards success by being, for example, approach oriented.^[1

Ok, so what does all of this have to do with me?  Thankfully, very little actually.  There is healthy and unhealthy narcism.  While I think I may, from time to time, display some of the above characteristics (I do sometimes think I'm better than others, although I don't express that - except just now; I have been called selfish and would sometimes describe my behaviour that way and I am definitely oriented towards success).  I'm not looking for reassurance about my potential for narcism or not.  I was hopeful that there was a 'diagnosis' for my state.  Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that my state is what is otherwise known as 'the human condition'.

Nite all.

I'm baa-aack

Hi guys,

In case you've been wondering where I've been I'm now back from holidays.  Quite an interesting experience actually.  I was in Japan for the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear melt-down (never in any real danger but there nonetheless) and then in Thailand for a wedding and was stranded by unseasonal typhoons that cancelled ferries, ruined airports, caused landslides and resulted in an aircraft carrier being despatched by the Thai Govt to evacuate stranded travellers.  Fun times.

It was an interesting demonstration of resilience and I enjoyed watching how my various friends coped with adversity, uncertainty and the challenges associated with communicating in a foreign country.  It was also interesting too to see how the locals, who were much more seriously affected than we were (I mean we could eventually go home) responded.  I've no doubt they must've thought us Westerners to be rather precious.

Hey, have any of you had a near death experience?  I've often been a little envious of the characters you hear about who have such an experience and then go on to make radical transformations in their lives.  I've often enviously thought "if only that could happen to me, then I could finally make those changes stick"  pffst!  Now I know the stupidity of that thought.  I now think that the change they made and the effort required to make would still be just as hard as it is for the rest of us on any normal day.  Maybe their motivation is different, I don't know?   Anyway I tell you about mine.   When our 12th floor Tokyo hotel room was caught in an aftershock and the building was creaking and groaning and the curtains swinging like crazy I seriously thought I was going to die.  Seriously.  I was shitting myself.  Grabbed my passport and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of dodge!!!  The feeling of helplessness when I realised that I couldn't was pretty confronting.  To cut a long story short, my near death (in actual fact I was never in any danger at all but I didn't know that at the time) experience hasn't really changed my perspective on things, or my ability to make changes so I guess I can stop wishing for some external bolt of lightening to make changes for me and take some responsibility for making the changes myself.  Now, if I can just work out what changes I want to make....

I am however refreshed after my holiday and keen to get back into some regular training.  It looks like work is picking up too which is great.  I can't begin to tell you how depressing it has been to be selling services that no-one wants.  Particularly when the service is you (me).   And just to clarify.... I'm not a gigalo.  I'm a facilitator and work predominantly in the public sector.  First the GFC then a recent spate of natural disasters has seriously slowed my business down.  I haven't really talked about it much.  Two reasons really.  One,  I didn't want to give voice to my more negative thoughts and two, my rationale brain (yes I do have some rationale in there somewhere) knew that things would turn around.... eventually.

Ok.  Bye for now.  Next time I'm going to talk about something that's been really messing with my head.  Why am I here?

Be Happy

Are you getting enough?

Sleep that is.   I woke this morning feeling a little better and got to thinking about the importance of sleep on a happy brain.  Turns out it's kinda fundamental.  Scientists are now recommending 7-8hrs a night for an adult is optimal.  How much do you get?  I know I live on about 6hrs.  I'm going to try getting some more zzzzz's.


40 FACTS ABOUT SLEEP YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW... (OR WERE TOO TIRED TO THINK ABOUT)

1. The record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes during a rocking chair marathon.  The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses.
2. It's impossible to tell if someone is really awake without close medical supervision.  People can take cat naps with their eyes open without even being aware of it.
3. Anything less than five minutes to fall asleep at night means you're sleep deprived.  The ideal is between 10 and 15 minutes, meaning you're still tired enough to sleep deeply, but not so exhausted you feel sleepy by day.
4. A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first year.
5. One of the best predictors of insomnia later in life is the development of bad habits from having sleep disturbed by young children.
6. The continuous brain recordings that led to the discovery of REM (rapid eye-movement) sleep were not done until 1953, partly because the scientists involved were concerned about wasting paper.
7. REM sleep occurs in bursts totalling about 2 hours a night, usually beginning about 90 minutes after falling asleep.
8. Dreams, once thought to occur only during REM sleep, also occur (but to a lesser extent) in non-REM sleep phases.  It's possible there may not be a single moment of our sleep when we are actually dreamless.
9. REM dreams are characterised by bizarre plots, but non-REM dreams are repetitive and thought-like, with little imagery - obsessively returning to a suspicion you left your mobile phone somewhere, for example.
10. Certain types of eye movements during REM sleep correspond to specific movements in dreams, suggesting at least part of the dreaming process is analagous to watching a film
11. No-one knows for sure if other species dream but some do have sleep cycles similar to humans.
12. Elephants sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lie down for REM sleep.
13. Some scientists believe we dream to fix experiences in long-term memory, that is, we dream about things worth remembering.  Others reckon we dream about things worth forgetting - to eliminate overlapping memories that would otherwise clog up our brains.
14. Dreams may not serve any purpose at all but be merely a meaningless byproduct of two evolutionary adaptations - sleep and consciousness.
15. REM sleep may help developing brains mature.  Premature babies have 75 per cent REM sleep, 10 per cent more than full-term bubs.  Similarly, a newborn kitten puppy rat or hampster experiences only REM sleep, while a newborn guinea pig (which is much more developed at birth) has almost no REM sleep at all.
16. Scientists have not been able to explain a 1998 study showing a bright light shone on the backs of human knees can reset the brain's sleep-wake clock.
17. British Ministry of Defence researchers have been able to reset soldiers' body clocks so they can go without sleep for up to 36 hrs.  Tiny optical fibres embedded in special spectacles project a ring of bright white light (with a spectrum identical to a sunrise) around the edge of soldiers' retinas, fooling them into thinking they have just woken up.  The system was first used on US pilots during the bombing of Kosovo.
18. Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.
19. The 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill off Alaska, the Challenger space shuttle disaster and the Chernobyl nuclear accident have all been attributed to human errors in which sleep-deprivation played a role.
20. The NRMA estimates fatigue is involved in one in 6 fatal road accidents.
21. Exposure to noise at night can suppress immune function even if the sleeper doesn’t wake.  Unfamiliar noise, and noise during the first and last two hours of sleep, has the greatest disruptive effect on the sleep cycle.
22. The "natural alarm clock" which enables some people to wake up more or less when they want to is caused by a burst of the stress hormone adrenocorticotropin.  Researchers say this reflects an unconscious anticipation of the stress of waking up.
23. Some sleeping tablets, such as barbiturates suppress REM sleep, which can be harmful over a long period.
24. In insomnia following bereavement, sleeping pills can disrupt grieving.
25. Tiny luminous rays from a digital alarm clock can be enough to disrupt the sleep cycle even if you do not fully wake.  The light turns off a "neural switch" in the brain, causing levels of a key sleep chemical to decline within minutes.
26. To drop off we must cool off; body temperature and the brain's sleep-wake cycle are closely linked.  That's why hot summer nights can cause a restless sleep.  The blood flow mechanism that transfers core body heat to the skin works best between 18 and 30 degrees.  But later in life, the comfort zone shrinks to between 23 and 25 degrees - one reason why older people have more sleep disorders.
27. A night on the grog will help you get to sleep but it will be a light slumber and you won't dream much.
28. After five nights of partial sleep deprivation, three drinks will have the same effect on your body as six would when you've slept enough.
29. Humans sleep on average around three hours less than other primates like chimps, rhesus monkeys, squirrel monkeys and baboons, all of whom sleep for 10 hours.
30. Ducks at risk of attack by predators are able to balance the need for sleep and survival, keeping one half of the brain awake while the other slips into sleep mode.
31. Ten per cent of snorers have sleep apnoea, a disorder which causes sufferers to stop breathing up to 300 times a night and significantly increases the risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke.
32. Snoring occurs only in non-REM sleep
33. Teenagers need as much sleep as small children (about 10 hrs) while those over 65 need the least of all (about six hours).  For the average adult aged 25-55, eight hours is considered optimal
34. Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.
35. Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time.  Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.
36. Diaries from the pre-electric-light-globe Victorian era show adults slept nine to 10 hours a night with periods of rest changing with the seasons in line with sunrise and sunsets.
37. Most of what we know about sleep we've learned in the past 25 years.
38. As a group, 18 to 24 year-olds deprived of sleep suffer more from impaired performance than older adults.
39. Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet.
40. The extra-hour of sleep received when clocks are put back at the start of daylight in Canada has been found to coincide with a fall in the number of road accidents.

The Three Keys to Happiness

Pleasure, Challenge & Meaning

Each on their own is insufficient to create enduring happiness but together, or even better, combined, they do have capacity to aid in our happiness.

Pleasure - is about creating immediate, positive sensations.  Sensory things like a nice bath, a massage, a glass of wine do this.  Emotional triggers can also produce pleasure - like laughing at a joke.  These pleasures are often short lived but highly enjoyable at the time.

Challenge - these are the things that stretch us, that expand our capability.  Interestingly enough, the things that challenge us may often not give us sensory pleasure at the time but will produce a sense of accomplishment after the event.  The sorts of things that challenge us may include:

• doing something we are skilled at or that uses our strengths
• learning new skills
• solving something difficult or challenging
• persisting when the outcome is in doubt

Meaning - this is generally the notion that our actions (be they work or play) contribute to something that we consider worthwhile.  Meaning is derived from a sense of greater purpose.  For example, a cleaner at NASA was asked what he did,

"Helping to put man on Mars" was his reply.

Now.  While each of these things are good in their own right the magic really happens when these things are combined.  The diagram shows the overlapping areas, if you can combine two or even three things the theory suggests you're going to get great satisfaction from it.

So.  How does knowing that help me?  Unfortunately, it doesn't much right now.  I'm in a bit of a funk as I lost another chunk of work the other day that I could scarcely afford to lose.  I s'pose it helps to make sense why I get pleasure from doing things that when doing them, I'm wondering why in the heck I'm actually doing it (challenge).  It also raises the question "what the hell do I take meaning from?" and as for pleasure, I'm finding it hard to feel like I deserve to do things that are 'pleasurable' so that's off the radar for now.  :-(

I guess what I've got to do is slap myself, sit down and think about what my life is meant to be about.  I think the meaning aspect is the bit that's really missing for me.  I used to think my work was meaningful but the seed of doubt has been well and truly sown when clients keep cancelling.  Although its not really their fault, GFC's floods and cyclones ARE a little unpredictable, but still if my services are so quickly dropped, then it's hard to convince myself they see it as valuable. 

On a positive note.  I literally dragged myself to Crossfit tonight, still feeling a little sick (flu) and managed to punch out a really good session.  Funny that, the times you really don't want to go or think you can't often turn out to be the best workouts.  Is that a fact or is it more about low expectations?  You tell me.

Till next time.

Be Happy.

Do not open, please call the police.

I heard a bang.  We both noticed it.

I thought it was a fellow moving furniture that I had seen earlier and thought nothing of it.  We did nothing.

Turns out my next door neighbour had locked himself in his garage and taken his own life.  He left a sign on the garage door saying

Caution, do not open.  

Please call the police.  

George (not his real name) was always considerate of others and regularly worried to me about the noise he made tinkering on his carvings in his garage.  I never heard a thing, not a peep.   He never complained when we had parties and stayed up late, or when my dog barked at stuff.  He never just took his own bin out, he did everyones in the unit block.  He bought me a rock he'd found on a river walk.  Thought I might like rocks.  Turns out I did.

We had a beer together one Christmas time too.  That's when I found out he liked to carve ancient coins out of wood.

George was dying of cancer.   When he told me several months ago and I said how shit that was he replied with "What's the worst that can happen?"  I nearly fell over, knowing that what WAS going to happen was that he would die.  And probably suffer along the way too.  According to his wife he was always making jokes about his situation.

I'm not sure what the turning point was for George but he obviously felt that what was left of his life was not worth living.  I'm sure he didn't take that decision lightly.  We'd noticed a rapid deterioration in his health and mobility over the past few weeks and had been expecting the inevitable.  But not this way.

It's made me think about my own situation.  Sometimes I wish 'it would all end' thinking that it would be easier if I didn't have to worry about all the shit that consumes one's (my) existence on the planet.  It's not something I'd ever actually contemplate, despite sometimes feeling this way.   Now being faced with the reality of it (suicide and our mortality) I feel like a selfish, spoiled child for thinking this.

I don't judge George for his choice of actions.  I suspect he calculated the burden this would place on his wife and weighed it against the burden of her watching and nursing his slow and painful decline and chose for this option (I'm sure she would've chosen different).  It would be nice if he had the opportunity to euthanise himself in a planned and controlled manner.  Surrounded by his loved ones in a place he felt comfortable, where the final choice could be exercised in a manner more human than a gun, and where his partner had immediate access to the support she now so dearly needs.

I'm welling up writing this, not even sure why I am writing it suffice to say that in his passing George has given me the strength to move forward with conviction, to savour what I have, and to live life fully.  You never know which day will be your last.

Tell someone special what they mean to you today.  I never got to say goodbye to George....

:-(

The Phone Always Rings...

To say it's been an up and down 12 months would be a huge understatement.  My business had been directly affected by the GFC and flow on effects.  It seems people development was not high on the priority list for many of my prospective and existing clients.  During this time it's been very stressful not knowing where the next job was coming from and wondering how I was going to cover my overheads like rent.  The irony for me is that as That Happy Guy, I haven't been very happy.  Hindsight is a beautiful thing and I can see the errors I've made, in fact often I can see them as I'm making them.  Things like hopeless thinking, and then not actually doing anything because I think its a foregone (hopeless) conclusion.  Not great and I'm not proud of it but there it is.

Well anyway, I had a piece of good news yesterday which has allowed me to reflect and think a little more positively.  I had initially secured a range of workshops to be delivered for Dept of Communities in Feb and April and beyond.  A nice little earner and a good program to deliver.  With the recent floods the Departments priorities and focus shifted (and rightly so) to their role supporting the community through disaster management and recovery.  This meant my workshops were cancelled.  I'm not the only one to suffer so this is not sour grapes, just an unfortunate and unpredictable incident.  This means that I've not worked solidly or consistently since November.  It's hard to maintain a healthy mindset when you feel like what you've got is not wanted or needed.  Things were spiralling out of control.

Yesterday I secured a small piece of work for Feb that will help to keep the wolves at bay.  Great outcome and it reminded me of something that I thought I'd learned several years ago.  Focus on the things you can control and the phone will always ring (eventually).  It did ring and again I was reminded of this truism.  However I think I was lucky.  Usually luck is related to the effort you put in, I was fortunately rewarded despite not putting any effort in.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I had laid the foundations for this project in November.  I just hadn't really done much else.

If I had remembered to be more of an optimist (good things will come) I might have weathered the storm a little more stoically.  Oh well, lesson learned.  Next time I'll get a chance to be better... that's me being an optimalist, not a perfectionist (I should've got it right the first time).

I suspect a great many people will be suffering both directly and indirectly form the flood.  The second group are vulnerable as there is less focus and support provided to this group.  If you or anyone you know finds themselves in a position where their happiness is being affected by these events I'd like to remind them that even dark clouds have silver linings, and the true measure of a person is not whether they get knocked down or not, but what they do when they do get knocked down.

Till next time,

Be Happy.
:-)

Help Someone.... it's soooo good for you.

As you know I live in Brisbane which has recently been affected by some of the worst flooding we've ever seen.  The scale and scope of the destruction the flood waters have wrought is something to behold.  Never doubt the awesome power of mother nature.

For a long time I've known a simple truth.  In helping others you also help yourself.  The incredible display of support that the community has displayed towards those affected by the waters has demonstrated this principle for thousands.

My facebook community has been awash with people coordinating volunteer clean up efforts and then sharing their personal experiences of doing so.  A great many have commented on how good it made them feel.

 Right now my business has been significantly affected by the flood resulting in the cancellation of 10 - 20 days of work, so it would be fair to say I have my own problems (even though the flood didn't affect me or my loved ones directly).  It would be easy for me to get upset, frustrated, despondent and depressed and while I'm not proud to admit it, I have experienced each of those emotions over the past few weeks.  Let me tell you, when in that headspace I am not very productive, its easy to see why some people simply give up.  Instead I went and did some volunteering over the weekend (and will probably go again this week).

Anyway, after spending a few hours in flood ravaged homes (completely submerged in the peak of the flood) I didn't spare a single thought for my own situation.  Even better, when I did return to think about my situation and what I needed to do I was in a "can do" headspace.  I am not going to give up.

So, my advice towards feeling happier more of the time...  Find a cause, a group or a person that needs help and offer it.  Volunteers are always needed, not just in times of crisis, and cover everything from nursing sick and injured animals to feeding the homeless and everything else in between.

I know many of my readers have themselves been volunteering over the past few days.  I'd love to hear your experiences.

Till next time,

Be Happy

When the chips are down

Resilience - is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity.

Qld (where I live)  is currently experiencing some of the worst flooding since the record breaking 1974 floods.  Many peoples lives have been disrupted, homes and businesses destroyed and even lives lost.  Two things are already emerging.

1. The willingness of people to help others.
2. The ability of those affected by events to forge ahead, to bounce back and to look on the bright side of things.  This is true resilience.

It's a shame it takes catastrophic events to bring out the best in people.  The benefit you receive from helping somebody else is a wonderful plus hardwired into our psyche.  To my mind, we need to learn from this and fund ways every day to help someone else.  Who around you might need your help now?

Here's some footage from flooding in Toowoomba.  Check it out.

How My Brain Works

I need your help. I'd like to show you a video and get some feedback on it if possible.

As I mentioned in an earlier posting, part of my approach over the coming months is to research, test and build a personal development training program focused on happiness, resilience and engagement.

One of the intro topics is going to be on the brain.  How it works and how that relates to later modules and concepts.

The brain amazes me.  In short, our thoughts, memories and experience of the world, including emotions are nothing more than electrical impulses and chemicals.  There's significant evidence that suggests that "Neuron's that fire together, wire together."  Neuron's are the tentacle-like connections in our brains.  Meaning that our thoughts, moods, emotions etc, travel down the most well worn paths in our brain.  So let's say you're a bit of a cynic.   You will naturally and comfortably follow that path of thinking (perhaps even to your detriment in some cases).  An optimist, by contrast, will tend towards that style of thinking because their brain has wired itself together that way (we won't talk about nature v nurture at this stage suffice to say that environment and genetics influence these developments in your brain).  The brain is also incredibly plastique, or malleable.  Meaning we can change it.  Even later in life (there is much recent research suggesting that brain plasticity continues well into to old age AND if you don't use it you will lose it (get your grandparents to learn something new this year).    So, if we want to shift our thinking we need to work at it in order to lay down new neural pathways.   This is my 2011 mission, to rewire my brain (and hopefully yours too).

Anyway, I digress.  I wanted to share a video that I found that explains part of the concepts I've been talking about.  I'd love your feedback on whether it made sense, was interesting, not confusing etc.

Let me know what you think.



Till next time,

Be happy

Christmas Sucks

Not for me.  But it does for some people.  Many people in fact.

I just wanted to spare a moment to think about all the people who are suffering in one way or another at this time of the year.  An often invisible group of people close to my heart are those who are unable to have children.  Christmas is a poignant reminder of what is not possible for 1 out of 6 couples in Australia.

While you enjoy your festive celebrations (and please do), take a moment to spare a thought for those among us who might need a friendly smile or a heartfelt hug, or perhaps to just be left alone.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Be safe on the roads and enjoy the company of those who want to be around you.  :-)

Till next time,

Be Happy

My To Do List

Kirt and I were recently in WA taking a couple of days to travel to Margaret River in a Wicked Camper Van…  an awesome way to roll.  There's something magical about going on a road trip together.  We used to have an old Kombi when we were at Uni and the holiday trips up and down the East Coast are some of our most wonderful memories.

Anyway, taking advantage of the free time we discussed life direction, hopes and frustrations and actually made up a to do list.  These lists are very powerful (in my experience).  Its the writing of them that does something.  I think it helps to clarify the objective.  Additional planning may be required but in many cases the initial list will do.  Have you ever made a list or a plan and then forgotten about it only to find (when you stumble across the list again) that you've actually achieved or made significant progress towards doing the things in the plan/list?  I have and I've seen many of my clients experience the same thing.  Key Message.  Make a List.

Here's ours:

•   Wall stencils

•   Hang tv on wall

•   Sell stereo

•   Sort out AV equipment

•   Wall mount speakers

•   2 PAC /paint box

•   Artwork for walls

•   Sell bongos

•   Sell polar HRM

•   Sell Mercedes

•   Price Kombi's

•   Paint window sills

•   Extra payment on mortgage

•   Ski savings account

•   Read happy books and other research for "Would You Like Happy With That?' workshop

•   Learn: u-tube editing / Pod casts / Mac book

•   Build commuter bike

•   Try cross fit

•   Find spin class

•   Recover outside sofa with black covers

•   New cushions for outside

•   Subscribe to home decorating magazines

•   Kirt redo budget

The intention behind this list was activities/things that would support our investment strategy.  We've realised we need to stay where we are currently living for another few years in order to be able to move to where we'd ultimately like to live.  We wanted to simplify our life and make home a little nicer to live in.

I reckon we'll knock this list over by early to Mid Jan.  Some stuff has already happened.

Over to you now.  Why don't you take five minutes right now and write your list.  What are you going to do?

Till next time,

Be Happy.

ps.  Thanks for the advice, guidance and support you've offered me thus far.

Near enough.... is it good enough?

I've been in a difficult spot for the past few days, and am feeling less than inspired about all things life.  I've run out of work till early in the new year.  I've been sick and feeling miserable.  My diet, has slipped and I've been eating all kinds of crap.  I'm changing my training around and the days without doing any exercise are quickly adding up.  The weather has been wet and not very conducive to outdoors activity.

All of these things are critical ingredients in a happy, positive life.  Diet, food, stress mgt, meaningful activities (work), good health so it's no wonder I'm not feeling great.  

I asked my partner a question the other day.  I get it that your mindset is a choice you make in order to shift how you feel about a situation in order to change what you do about it.  Think - Feel - Do.  I get it.  The question was "How do you force the shift?"  A kind reader suggested it's not a case of 'tricking' your mind,  but rather the act of applying the alternate mindset to the situation.  I thought I'd give that a go.

Here's what I did.  

1. Recognised that flat, despondent emotions or emotional state is a normal part of life and gave myself permission to feel them (perfectionists reject these emotions and in doing so, hold more firmly to them AND judge themselves for having had them in the first place... Lose/Lose).
2. Looked for an alternative way of thinking about the situation.  To do this I pretended I was talking to someone else who just happened to be in my situation (it's funny, you often give others advice and guidance you wouldn't give yourself AND you sometimes see things differently when you remove yourself from the equation).
3. Made two lists - one was the perfectionists viewpoint, the other was the optimalists (I'll share these lists in a second)
4. Went about implementing a 'near enough' idea

So what this actually looked like for me was as follows:

1. "I'm feeling shit because I've not been exercising, and I'll never be as fit as I was and, and, and...."  That's ok Sean.  It's normal to go through ups and downs.  Accept the emotion for what it is and move on.  
2. Initial View:  "It's all gone to shit.  I'm getting fat, Christmas is coming, I should've kept up my training..... " Alternate View:  No wonder you feel bad Sean, look at your current situation.  That's ok though mate, you're only a couple of sessions away from feeling great again and yeah, the first one is going to hurt.  But don't they all hurt?  And don't you actually like that?

Here are my lists as they relate to the above situation

Perfectionist:

• I need to go on a strict diet with one cheat meal per week - rigid restriction.
• No alcohol
• I'll do crossfit 5 x per week starting immediately
• Swim 2-3 times per week 
• Casual MTB or Road Bike ride each weekend

Optimalist:

• Try to get along to 3 crossfit sessions/week until I get a feel for it and my body get's used to the different movements
• Do at least one swim each week, even if it's just doing some cruisy laps with the pullboy
• Get on the bike at least once each fortnight, weather permitting

Which list do you think is going to work better for me?  As I read them I still struggle to let go of my perfectionist tendancies.  I want the first list.  Thats where I'd like to be.  Problem is, now is a very difficult time of year to go on a strict diet and to avoid alcohol.  Nor will I want to avoid those things (causing conflict).  Also, I changed my training focus because I didn't have enough time AND I was carrying small but persistent injuries.  And Whammo!  I replace 7-10 sessions a week with 9.   So lets assume I opt for list 1.  Chances are that I won't be able to do 5 crossfit sessions in my first ever week of doing it (I did my first workout last week just prior to getting sick and I was sore for 5 days!!!).  Because of my time restrictions it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to train twice a day for a few weeks anyway, so the swims would pretty much all fall over and my weekends have been very social (and wet) so riding bikes is unlikely too.  

So, imagine how that would make me feel?  Yup, like crap.

I'm going to try list 2 and see what happens.  I'll let you know.

Here's one quick example of how my different thinking is slowly shifting some of my behaviour.

Saturday arvo - been threatening rain all day.  Dog needs a walk.  Sean desperately needs some exercise.  BTW - regular exercise has so far proven to be the one absolute essential in my mental and stress management.  Funny thing is, the more I actually need to do some exercise, the less likely I am to seek it out.  A couple of days of decadent eating, drinking and no exercise and it's the last thing I'm likely to want to do, despite so desperately needing it.  I'm getting better at recognising this and just getting out there.  Letting go of the idea that every session has to be a PB too.  That's helping.  So anyway.  Decided that if it rained I'd take the dog out and we'd go for a cruisy run and enjoy the puddles (he loves the water). 

Well it didn't just rain, it pissed down.  So much so that people were coming outside to watch the rain and they all got a good giggle when they saw me dragging my very reluctant dog outside in the biggest downpour we've had in awhile.  He really didn't want to be outside.  A couple of guys in a truck even took the trouble to roll down there window and laugh at me as they drove past.  

Anyway, the dog soon got into it and was leaping in puddles and sniffing wet smelly things with abandon.  Because it was wet, it was cool and there was no-one on the bike paths so I could let Buddy off the lead which he loves.  It turned out to be one of the more enjoyable runs I've had in a long time.  Go figure.

So.  The exercise was the two lists.  Making a perfectionists list and a 'near enough' list and trying to implement that instead.  I'll report back but the theory suggests that with my near enough list I'm more likely to get some traction and 'get into action' which in turn may actually snowball and take me closer to the first list with less stress and more enjoyment.  And if it doesn't, it doesn't really matter.  At least I'm doing something.

Here's the activity as I read it.  The process is about compromise between the different priority areas of your life so as to not take too much on and get overloaded.  I varied it a little to suit my situation but I think it worked.

Make a list of the important areas in your life (I focused on one area).  Try categories such as professional, family, romantic, friends, health, travel, hobby, finances etc.  First note under each category what you would ideally like to do and how much time you would ideally like to spend.  Then, for each category distinguish between the part that you can give up and the part you see as indispensable.  Write down the indispensable activities under your good enough list.  For example, under work your ideal might be 60 hours a week.  Given the other constraints and desires, that may not be realistic.  Good enough for you might be 40 hours a week.  Here's what those lists look like for me.

Category	Ideal (Perfect)	Good Enough (Optimal)
Work	60 hrs / week	40 hrs / week
Friends	Daily get togethers	Once a week catch up
Exercise	1 Session every day	3 - 5 / week

Till next time, 

Stay Happy.

ps.  the discipline of writing this blog is really helping to clarify my thinking on the topic so thanks for listening.  I'll share the theories on reflective writing later on but so far it's helping me AND it's not feeling like a huge amount of work.

I sometimes wonder whether I'm kidding myself.

Seriously.  At times I think it would be easier to surrender to the whimsical, to just journey off and explore.  Explore what exactly I don't know?  Not sure it really matters.

Have stopped doing the gratitude list.  I'm still thinking about gratefulness but a fair chunk of that is guilt for not writing it down.  The discipline of coming here to write this is helping to focus me but for most of this week (despite being productively engaged)  I've been feeling flat.  I am telling myself it's ok, and I am sick.  Recovering quickly from the flu but Monday and Tuesday with a head full of snot in front of 15 course participants was not fun.  Hard to marshall the energy it takes to work with a group like that.  I think I did ok though.

Got an easy day tomorrow and I plan to venture out to do a bit of light exercise.

It's been about 3-4 weeks of a pretty solid break from training, relaxed diet and having some drinks.  I'm now starting to feel shit and the shitter I feel the harder it is to think about exercise (here's a perfectionist tendency coming on).  What makes it hard for me is that I know it's going to feel harder than last time and I won't be able to train at as high an intensity.   An optimalist would accept that and go along to 'participate'.  In doing so they begin the reversal of their situation.  Me on the other hand, put it off another day and make it even harder for myself when I do go back.  And feel guilty for delaying.  Crazy shit hey?

Anyone else do that or am I the only completely screwed one?

Ok.  Perception vs Reality.

If what we see is interpreted based on our perspective (values, knowledge, preferences, culture, age etc) then we get to choose how it's going to make us feel.

If I get by a car I'm appreciative it's not a truck and will use the convalesce to write a book.  Perspective.
Different guy, different thinking, same event.  Laments his good fortune, slides into depression doesn't attend physio and severely limits his own recovery.

Get the idea?  Good.  Now I'm an advocate of this.  I truly think it's "The Answer".  But it's got a catch.  While I can force myself to look for another, more positive perspective (or perhaps just a healthier one, it doesn't have to radiate rainbows)... and I do.  I find it difficult to maintain the perspective and not slip back into the original frame of mind.  Question.  How the heck do I do it so it sticks?  You see the benefits of this alternate way of thinking about the event are only available if you genuinely accept the alternate paradigm (way of thinking).  In my experience, rapid and enduring changes of perspective happen in an unexpected, sudden, often painful or embarrassing way.  Like a near death experience, or loss of a loved one.

How do we 'trick' ourselves into accepting the replacement mindset?

Till next time,

Be Happy

You can't negotiate with nutters.

This was a throw-away line a senior executive shared with a group of managers in a workshop I was facilitating.  Everyone laughed (as was expected).  The real import of the message however was not lost on me.  Despite all the hard work, good intentions, and varied approaches Managers (and us) bring to establishing, maintaining and correcting relationships with staff (and others) - sometimes you really have to recognise when you're dealing with a nutter.  And that's ok... so long as you don't beat yourself up about it.

In a similar vein, one of the secrets to my own happiness that I've picked up is that you can't please everyone and if you can, then not all of the time.  Letting go of this expectation for me opened up a whole new way of being with people.  It meant that I didn't take it personally if for instance, someone didn't like a suggestion or an idea I had.  Or, if I'd been working on a task or project and it met with varied responses.  Of course, I need to take feedback on board, but being prone to feedback overload that would often end with me trying to make sense of multiple, completely disparate viewpoints and forgetting that I was the professional engaged to resolve this lack of clarity in the first place.  In a worst case scenario I would present to or be with a person in a way that I THOUGHT they would value, benefit from or appreciate.  I wasn't being real, or not really real anyway.

Accepting I can't please everyone is not that same as saying "I no longer give a crap."  You still do your good work, still consider multiple perspectives and approaches, still work hard for a good outcome and relationships.  By letting go of trying to please everyone it made it easier for me to stick to my values and professional expertise and as a result I'm actually able to implement more as I'm less paralysed by the alternative viewpoint(s).

So, before you go too much further in 'that' relationship....  Are you sure you're not dealing with a nutter?

Till next time

Be happy

ps...

I'm still going with my gratitude list.   Here are some excerpts from today.

• It was a tough day at the office (sick, travel, challenging group) so coming home to an enthusiastic welcome from Kirt and Buddy was delightful.
• I'm grateful for my co-facilitator today who took care of so much behind the scenes stuff.
• I'm grateful for all the great managers I've had.  You know who you are Carl.  ;-)
• I'm grateful for the people who want to help you succeed and work hard to make it happen

How are you going?  Still at it?

Are you a boiling frog?

I'm sick.  :-(

I seem to have come down with the flu or some such thing.  I'm not really surprised, although I don't get sick often.  It doesn't seem to serious.  Its moving through it's stages quickly so that's a good thing.

Anyway, it got me to thinking.  I'd made a prediction recently about a friend.  He's been working his ring off for 24 months, the past 10 of which have been more stressful as budgets were tighter and work more sparse.  Still busy though.  He's now in Brasil enjoying an 8 week break as he and his wife go back to visit her family for the first time in 5 yrs.  I told him to watch out as he might get sick in the first week or so.

Have you seen that before?  You work (or train) hard and then go on holidays (or taper for a race) and bam!  You get sick.  I'm sure you have.   Here's why.

Let's say you take a frog (don't do this, take my word for it or read up on it) and drop it in a glass of boiling water.  It'll jump out.  Immediately.  If however you pop it in a glass of cool water and slowly raise the temperature, degree by degree.  What do you think will happen?

The frog will stay in the water.  It won't jump out.  The frogs skin and nerves that measure heat aren't sensitive enough to note the small (1 degree) changes in temperature so it doesn't register.  (I'm probably getting out of my depth scientifically now so I'll leave it there).

Humans, similarly, don't notice the gradual build up of our stress.  In this case the stress from our environment and how we choose to think about our lives.  So, when said friend goes on holiday and completely drops his work (stress) related activity, his body will realise that the time of self-preservation and survival has passed and it can now start to work on repairing itself -in this case fighting off the infection, or re-building after prolonged exposure to stress.

Did my gratitude list again today.  That's 3 in a row!  You guys are helping me to do that, so thanks.

I'm noticing that's its a bit easier to jot things down if I take the pressure of myself about 'what it might sounds like'.  I feel like I'm more engaged by the activity, person or thing that I'm grateful for which is a good thing.

Till next time,

Be Happy

So, what have YOU got to be grateful for?

Yesterday I spoke about comparisons, and why they can sometimes be a bad thing.

Here's a common technique that I'm trying out that is about making positive reflections on our lives.  It's about practicing gratitude.

Most of us don't actually have to think too hard to find things that were grateful for.  Whether it's our health, our home, friends, family, the shiny bike we ride or whatever.  The problem is that we are trained to seek more.  We're conditioned by advertising to aspire to a shinier bike, a bigger home, a flashier holiday.  As human beings were prone to something called status anxiety too, so the advertisers tell us that the Jones' have more, do more and are more than we are.  They prey on that human tendency somewhat.  And when we focus on these things that perhaps we can't have, we feel bad about ourselves.

Perhaps what's even worse is when we aspire to that new car, we get it and very quickly the shine wears off.  What a shame.  I drive a beautiful Mercedes.  I got it brand new.  What do you think I notice when I get in it?  The comfy leather seats, intuitive phone integration, comprehensive safety features?  No.  I look at the model that's next up the line and focus on my smaller engine, less fancy wheels and lack of GPS.  What a crying shame....  (gee I'm actually embarrassed writing this).

Anyway, enough of that.

The Gratitude Journal.  This process or technique is about refocusing your attention onto those things that you're grateful for.  I've been recommending this exercise in many of my workshops for some time now but have not yet really implemented it myself.  At least not consistently, which is where the benefit lies.

Here's how to do it:

1. Get a pen and piece of paper
2. Pause and reflect on your day (or your life) - focusing on all the things you're grateful for.  Even if you think nothing good has happened to you today I'd beg to differ.  Consider... "I got hit by a car today".  Grateful Reflection... "Thank god it wasn't a truck!"
3. Write these things down.
4. (Advanced)  Share them with somebody.
5. Do this daily.

My Observations.

This is what I noticed as I started to write the list.

• If you start with your life it might be easier to find things to be grateful for but at some point you'll need to shift the focus to your day.  Otherwise you'll find the ideas may start to become 'stale'.
• Just start writing, even if it's silly little things to begin with.  Don't judge yourself, just write.
• This requires discipline.  I find it hard to sustain the practice.  Perhaps anchor it to something that you already do consistently, like eat breakfast, or brushing your teeth.

I'll share today's list with you in a second.  

Here's a variation for Busy Workers.  We tend to judge our performance by the amount of work left to do.  In my experience the volume of work we face is a veritable tsunami and we'd never get through it all if we worked 24/7 as there's always more around the corner.  Once a week, preferably on a Friday.  Stop and reflect on your week and make a list of all the things that you DID get done.  How does that make you feel?  

My Gratitude List for Today

I’m grateful for…

·      The opportunity to sleep in on some weekday mornings

·      My wife Kirsten, who is so supportive of me… always

·      The chances I was given as a child

·      The possibilities in my future

·      The affection of a devoted pet – Buddy

·      The support I receive from my wonderful friends

·      The chance to work with groups of people who want to become more effective managers

·      To be able to make myself a great coffee

·      To be able to earn in income from something I like doing

Feel free to share your ideas with me.  It maybe a good way to get started?

Till next time,

Be Happy :-)

Why Comparing Can Be A Bad Thing

When we compare we're only seeing part of the picture.  We make assumptions and inferences about the data we see.  Depending on your head space this can sometimes be a bad thing.  For instance...

You're at a party and you see a really fit person eating whatever they like.  You know you work hard on your diet and don't get the same results they do eating junk food.... result.  You feel bad.  What you don't see is the behind the scenes stuff.  All the good food they normally eat, or the hard work they do every day of their life.

You see a guy driving a nice Beemer getting out to play tennis early on a Friday afternoon.  Inference - they live a charmed life, why can't I have everything like that too...?  What you don't see.  The crippling lease agreement he's in and the 60 hr weeks he normally works to pay for it... AND you've seen him on his one week holiday.

The person with the beautifully cleaned house.  How can they work, raise children AND find the time to clean?  What's wrong with me?  I'm no good because I can't do that too.  What you don't see - their exhaustion at the end of the week and the stress they are under to keep it clean.

The above are just some of the things I've heard talked about.  There's undoubtably millions of others.  What inferences and assumptions are you making about others and then comparing yourself negatively against?

Be careful of making comparisons.  ESPECIALLY if they make you feel bad about yourself.

I did this.  A lot.  I'm working on reframing these observations now and thinking about what might be behind the scenes in a way that makes me feel better about myself.  It's actually motivating me to do the things that might actually help me to achieve some of the things that I want.

I now try to focus on the input or effort I commit to an activity or task and make judgements about that instead.  I'm letting go of the focus on outcome or result and am actually both feeling better about things and making more progress.

Last example.  I've been wanting to blog and use social media to support my business for sometime now but when reading some of the popular blogs and looking at some of the successful marketers I tended to compare my beginner level of knowledge and skills.   Recognising I couldn't do what they were doing (at least immediately anyway) I wouldn't try.  My change of focus has meant that I've literally just started to play around and as a result:

• I'm up to my third post
• I've implemented some Facebook advertising
• I've found ways to customise my Facebook home page (not uploaded yet), which in turn has led to the development of some marketing/promotional material about the program I've been procrastinating about for 18 months.

Result = progress over the past three days that I've not managed to do in 18 months!!!!  I'll have more of that please.

Till next time, 

Be Happy.

My Happiness Mission

The Pursuit of Happiness

To live, laugh, love and cry with the mindset that ALL experiences are, or can be, part of a productive, meaningful and enjoyable life.

To share my experiences in the pursuit of my happiness so that others may also benefit.

I vow to relax my grip on the outcome and to celebrate the journey, wherever it takes me.

The above was written after reading "Being Happy - you don't have to have a perfect life to lead a richer, happier life" (Tal Ben-Shahar).

Much of the book focuses on the differences between perfectionists and optimalists and it demonstrates quite clearly and convincingly that the latter group actually achieve more than those who aim for perfection and either:

• Never start because you can't fail what you don't attempt.... or, 
• Achieve great things and then aren't happy with or despite them

I'd never thought of myself as a perfectionist but I identified with many of the characteristics.  See how you stack up.

Perfectionists have been described as "those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason, people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment" (David Burns, 1980)

Now compare this with Optimalism.  Optimal is defined as the "best, most favourable, especially under a particular set of circumstances."   In finding the optimal Optimalists acknowledge the constraints of reality, that there are inherent limitations in being human and that we must all make trade-offs in life.

Perfectionists reject failure, Optimalists accept it and recognise that it's a natural part of life and the experience is directly linked to success.  Perfectionists expect their path through life to be direct, smooth and trouble free.  Optimalists know differently, that there will be setbacks, failures, disappointments and more.  There ability to rationalise these as part of a normal (real) experience sets them apart from their counterparts and means that while disappointing, these experiences (or the avoidance of them) are not debilitating, limiting and stifling.

Till next time,

Be Happy.

My Happiness Mission

The Pursuit of Happiness

To live, laugh, love and cry with the mindset that ALL experiences are, or can be, part of a productive, meaningful and enjoyable life.

To share my experiences so that others may also benefit.

I vow to relax my grip on the outcome and to celebrate the journey, wherever it takes me.

The above was written after reading "Being Happy - you don't have to have a perfect life to lead a richer, happier life" (Tal Ben-Shahar).

Much of the book focuses on the differences between perfectionists and optimalists and it demonstrates quite clearly and convincingly that the latter group actually achieve more than those who aim for perfection and either:

• Never start because you can't fail what you don't attempt.... or, 
• Achieve great things and then aren't happy with or despite them

I'd never thought of myself as a perfectionist but I identified with many of the characteristics.  See how you stack up.

Perfectionists have been described as "those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason, people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment" (David Burns, 1980)

Now compare this with Optimalism.  Optimal is defined as the "best, most favourable, especially under a particular set of circumstances."   In finding the optimal Optimalists acknowledge the constraints of reality, that there are inherent limitations in being human and that we must all make trade-offs in life.