Do not open, please call the police.

I heard a bang.  We both noticed it.

I thought it was a fellow moving furniture that I had seen earlier and thought nothing of it.  We did nothing.

Turns out my next door neighbour had locked himself in his garage and taken his own life.  He left a sign on the garage door saying

Caution, do not open.  

Please call the police.  

George (not his real name) was always considerate of others and regularly worried to me about the noise he made tinkering on his carvings in his garage.  I never heard a thing, not a peep.   He never complained when we had parties and stayed up late, or when my dog barked at stuff.  He never just took his own bin out, he did everyones in the unit block.  He bought me a rock he'd found on a river walk.  Thought I might like rocks.  Turns out I did.

We had a beer together one Christmas time too.  That's when I found out he liked to carve ancient coins out of wood.

George was dying of cancer.   When he told me several months ago and I said how shit that was he replied with "What's the worst that can happen?"  I nearly fell over, knowing that what WAS going to happen was that he would die.  And probably suffer along the way too.  According to his wife he was always making jokes about his situation.

I'm not sure what the turning point was for George but he obviously felt that what was left of his life was not worth living.  I'm sure he didn't take that decision lightly.  We'd noticed a rapid deterioration in his health and mobility over the past few weeks and had been expecting the inevitable.  But not this way.

It's made me think about my own situation.  Sometimes I wish 'it would all end' thinking that it would be easier if I didn't have to worry about all the shit that consumes one's (my) existence on the planet.  It's not something I'd ever actually contemplate, despite sometimes feeling this way.   Now being faced with the reality of it (suicide and our mortality) I feel like a selfish, spoiled child for thinking this.

I don't judge George for his choice of actions.  I suspect he calculated the burden this would place on his wife and weighed it against the burden of her watching and nursing his slow and painful decline and chose for this option (I'm sure she would've chosen different).  It would be nice if he had the opportunity to euthanise himself in a planned and controlled manner.  Surrounded by his loved ones in a place he felt comfortable, where the final choice could be exercised in a manner more human than a gun, and where his partner had immediate access to the support she now so dearly needs.

I'm welling up writing this, not even sure why I am writing it suffice to say that in his passing George has given me the strength to move forward with conviction, to savour what I have, and to live life fully.  You never know which day will be your last.

Tell someone special what they mean to you today.  I never got to say goodbye to George....

:-(