Narcisist?

Hi.

I've been struggling with something all my life.  I had a wonderful childhood.  Truly loving and supportive parents who were great role models.  Lot's of experiences and opportunities and the freedom to explore who I was in order to become who I was 'meant' destined to be.

But....

I heard or read the other day a throw away comment that struck a chord and reminded me of something that's been getting in my way.  I'll share that in a tic.

As you may know I struggle to reconcile my potential with my actual.  I live a pretty good life and am reasonably successful at whatever I attempt to do.  That was my rationale voice speaking there.  I still however strive for better.  Leaner.  Fitter.  Faster.  More successful.  Healthier.  More productive.  More responsible.  More socially aware.  etc etc.  When I'm not doing things that contribute to those 'mores'  I often feel bad about myself and start 'shoulding' myself.  I should do more.  I should be more.  I should be healthier, cleaner, more productive or whatever.  This means I don't take pleasure from the things I DO do and rather focus on the things I DON'T do.  Not good.

Here's the comment.

"more people are fucked up as a result of being told they are better, great or have more potential than there are who are fucked up because they're told they are crap, shit and no good."

It got me to wondering.  Now there is probably a scale of 'fuct' up at play here (and that's not a referenced or even valid source) and I'm definitely not one to say my problems are more serious than anyone else's.  In fact, the reality of anyone's problems is purely subjective.  The rich kid worrying about his relationship with his peers is as real as the kid worrying about his next meal.  To them anyway.  You, me and many others may actually rate those worries differently.  The point is that the worry is real to the individual.  ANyway, I digress.  I think I fit that statement.  I was told many positive things which account for many wonderful things, and yet I feel fucked up.  I was thinking about the deeply held belief (or is it just an expectation external or otherwise), instilled and reinforced by devoted, loving parents, that I was wonderful, intelligent, bound for success etc that has placed a pressure on me (or I have placed it on myself, either way its there) to be exactly that.  So, when I seem to fall into (what by those grandiose expectations) seems to be a normal existence, I feel bad.    Part of me recognises that this 'angst' for betterment is what drives me forward and another part recognises that it stops me from living in the now, appreciating the moment and (as many of my friends would say, indeed have said) lightening up on myself.

Truth be told.  I'm no longer sure what to think.  Should I strive for betterment or be content with who I am?  How do I enjoy the moment if it's not where I think I should be?  How do I relax and be still when there's work to be done?  How do I turn off those friggen voices that raise these questions?

I was running a workshop today and in a vulnerability exercise several participants expressed their greatest childhood challenge (which in all cases transferred to their adult experience) was that of purpose. Meaning.  Why am I here?  Two things happened. 1) I realised I'm not alone in asking that question. 2) It exacerbated the experience for me by making my own situation 'real'.

I'm gunna post this right away as if I edit it I may chicken out of sharing it.

To give some context, I've had a few drinks and have been battling with these issues for several days now.  I need to get this off my chest.  I hope I haven't dragged you into my mire.

Till next time,

Be happy.

oh yeah  Before I go.  What's this got to do with Narcism... (have a quick read and I'll get back to you)

Campbell and Foster (2007) review the literature on narcissism. They argue that narcissists possess the following "basic ingredients":

• Positive: Narcissists think they are better than others.^[15]
• Inflated: Narcissists' views tend to be contrary to reality. In measures that compare self-report to objective measures, narcissists' self-views tend to be greatly exaggerated.^[16]
• Agentic: Narcissists’ views tend to be most exaggerated in the agentic domain, relative to the communion domain.^[15][16]
• Special: Narcissists perceive themselves to be unique and special people.^[17]
• Selfish: Research upon narcissists’ behaviour in resource dilemmas supports the case for narcissists as being selfish.^[18]
• Oriented toward success: Narcissists are oriented towards success by being, for example, approach oriented.^[1

Ok, so what does all of this have to do with me?  Thankfully, very little actually.  There is healthy and unhealthy narcism.  While I think I may, from time to time, display some of the above characteristics (I do sometimes think I'm better than others, although I don't express that - except just now; I have been called selfish and would sometimes describe my behaviour that way and I am definitely oriented towards success).  I'm not looking for reassurance about my potential for narcism or not.  I was hopeful that there was a 'diagnosis' for my state.  Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that my state is what is otherwise known as 'the human condition'.

Nite all.